


What Did It Feel Like?

by TrashStash



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Angst, Drowning, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:57:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashStash/pseuds/TrashStash
Summary: "It felt like flying, like I was in the sky floating. Once the panic and pain from being under the surface passed, and after I took the second breath, drowning felt like flying"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the best for this fanfiction (@_@)

He stared out across the ocean, arms folded over the railing that separatd him from the beach, from the sand. He wanted to go on a walk on it.

Not that it was like he  _couldn't_ go onto the beach, the drop from the porch that he was on wasn't even two meteres down. It was just that they wouldn't allow him to  _go_ to the beach.

No, actually, that wasn't true. It wasn't that they wouldn't allow him on the _beach_ , he actually was walking along it three days ago. It was more so of them not allowing him near the  _water._ They didn't trust him going to the _water_.

By them, Matt meant Adam, Bruce, Lawrence, James and Elyse. _They_ didn't trust him.

He could get that, though. He understood why they wouldn't allow him near it, why he wasn't allowed to go onto the beach without  _two_ people going with him (when he was on that walk, James and Bruce were with him). He was understanding of their concern. _Why_ were concerned. 

About two months ago now, he had drowned. Almost died, but didn't, obviously. He almost drowned in the ocean. The ocean that he was staring at, actually. Not at this exact spot, about a 5 minute walk West from where they were staying, but this stretch of ocean and beach was where it happened.

Now, a lot of people would ask " _Why don't they allow you to go?_ " or " _Why aren't you allowed to go by yourself?_ "

The quickest answer would be that, he actually _put_ himself in the situation. He made himself drown. Lawrence was the one to find him, blue and clammy on the shore. He was also the one to do CPR on him. The time between being washed up and being found was about a minute or two, which meant he was was clinically dead, for about a minute or two. 

He let out a groan as he kept thinking of it, of the events that happened after Lawrence was able to resuscitate him, and after he woke up

-

"Fuck, hey, Matt, Matt you with me? Buddy you with me?"

Matt turned to his side that faced Lawrence as he felt his stomach cramp, and letting out a cough he felt it cramp up more. Water started to rise from his stomach, and he threw it up once it reached his throat; the taste of salty water, as well as the tepid temperature of it making him continue to throw up as he could hear Lawrence call for Elyse.

Once he stopped throwing up water, and instead was coughing it up, Lawrence gave him an outraged look

"Matt, what the fuck happened? Why the fuck were you in the water, _near_ the water?"

Matt just shook his head, stomach still cramping and head foggy from the lack of oxygen. He swallowed big breathes of air.

"Matt, seriously why the fuck did I find you dead on the fucking beach? You can't fucking swim, this place is known for strong currents, _you know this_ "

Matt looked up at him, eyebrows knitted together as he felt shame, and even self-consciousness fill up his lungs instead of the water, as he stuttered out his 'explanation'

"I just-I just wanted to walk around in the s-sand be-ed"

Lawrence looked at him, confusion prominent "Matt, the sand bed is not even close to here, that can't possibly be it because Bruce  _saw you_ ten minutes ago"

With the sound of someone running towards them, Lawrence turned to see who it was. That's when Matt was able to admit why he was actually down here, why he _was_ found dead

"I w-want-ted to drown, I wanted to t-tr-y drown"

-

Everything was just a mess of angry, concerned yelling after that.

Matt grimaced at the memory of Lawrence striking him across the face as he repeated what he said, when he said he did it on purpose.

And, now, two months later, he wasn't allowed to be on the beach alone, and like  _hell_ was he allowed near the ocean. Even after all this time after his countless promises and begging to go near it, even _with_ his suggestions of them going with him, he _wasn't trusted to go near it._

And even now, with the sound of the sliding glass door opening he turned around to see Adam walking towards him, a can of coke in each hand. 

"Thanks" Matt said as he was handed one of them, quickly cracking it open and taking a heavy drink. Adam only nodded as he too leaned against the railing. Matt turned around and leaned against it as well, his and Adams elbows touching as they stared out across the beach. 

They didn't say anything, just breathed in the smell of wet sand and salt, felt the breeze that brushed their arms and faces. It didn't feel awkward or weird to be this close to Adam and not say anything, they were long time friends. And today was one of their favourite weathers; overcast, cool, and windy. But, it did feel heavy. 

Heavy with questions and sadness from the following week after his little 'drowning incident'

Only when Adam cracked open his pop did Matt take the initiative to answer a question he already knew Adam wanted to ask

_What did it feel like?_

"It felt like flying, like I was in the sky floating. Once the panic and pain from being under the surface passed, and after I took the second breath, drowning felt like flying"

Adam only nodded, taking a sip as he waited for Matt to continue, and when he didn't he nodded his head again to encourage him to continue. Matt went on to answer the second question he knew he was wanting to ask

_Why did you do it?_

"I wanted to die, but not like commit suicide, or whatever, but I wanted to die through drowning. I wanted to drown. That's all"

"That's all, Matt?" Adam said, staring out at the beach again "You just told me, that you wanted to die, but by drowning? I mean, don't want to be insensitive or anything but wanting to die in any fashion is considered suicide. Sorry to tell ya" 

Adam took another sip from his pop, eyes raised as he glanced at him. Matt sighed as he turned away from his stare, trying to think of what to say. He didn't know how to explain it, he didn't know how he could explain his reason for wanting to do what he did. 

"I don't know" was all Matt could say after a minute "I'm sorry"

"Hm, well I have more questions for you but I'm good with having two of them answered"

Adam turned around on his heel, walking back inside with a bounce to his steps. Just before he closed the door though, Matt called out his name. Adam turned around and hummed

"Can we go down to the beach?" Matt asked

Adam didn't say anything for a second, but nodded his head "Yeah, I'll go get Bruce and we'll go down in 5"

Matt nodded at him, turning back to the beach. When he heard the door close, he closed his eyes and took a steady breath as he took a step back, placing his coke down on the porch

"I'm sorry" Matt said as he opened his eyes, taking a few more steps back before starting to sprint towards the railing. As he grabbed onto the railing and hurdled over it, he could hear yelling from behind him, heard the glass door slide open and footsteps running towards him. He didn't look back, instead concentrating on running as fast as he could towards the water;

In the time it took for them to tell everyone that they were taking Matt down to the beach, whether it be Bruce or Elyse or whoever, no one kept an eye on him because they knew that two of them would be with Matt, which, as he started booking it to get to the ocean, was a perfect time to try make a break for it.

He felt his adrenaline pumping as he heard them running behind him, and with the water getting closer and closer, and the sand starting to get colder and colder, he felt that urge of just  _wanting to drown_ fill his chest up again.

Only when he was three meteres away from the water did they start yelling 

"Matt don't fucking do it!"

"Fuck Matt, stop!"

"STOP"

Matt recognized the voices as Adam, Bruce, and James. Matt didn't stop, though, he didn't stop even with the guilt that he felt when he could hear the terror in their voices, he just kept running towards the blue, body of water that was in front of him. When he felt the wet sand touch his feet, he felt ecstatic, felt the adrenaline pumping strong as he started to feel the waves hit his feet, when he felt the water get higher along his legs. A few seconds later he heard one of them hit the water as well, which meant they weren't far behind.

Matt kept running as fast as he could, even with the drag of the water. The cold water that splashed his lower stomach made his breathing rapid, breathes light as he felt goosebumps rise across his whole body. 

And when he felt the waves splashing his body and face, when his shirt started to stick to him as he reached waist deep water, he closed his eyes, and he then felt arms wrap around his arms and chest, the power of whomever it was stopping him from going any deeper in the water. Matt let out a grunt as he was stopped.

"Matt, fucking stop!" James voice, James had him

"No!" he yelled back, trying to twist out of the hold he had around him. 

They struggled for a second, James trying to hold onto him and Matt trying to get out from it, but when Matt felt another pair of arms grab onto him, he stopped fighting.

He panted heavily, looking behind him to see who it was, and he was met with brown eyes. Adams brown eyes, and in his peripheral view he could see James blue ones. 

"Matt, please" Adam begged as him and James started to pull him back onto the shore, each of them holding one of his arms. Matt could only shake his head, eyes starting to tear up as he twisted his body to look back on the open water, struggling to stop them from taking him out of it.

When they got  knee high deep in the water, Matt tried again to break free, but Bruce, who was right there, also grabbed onto one of his arms 

"I just want to drown, Bruce" Matt said, voice wobbly as he was pulled from the last of the water. Sand stuck to his feet and ankles, making them itch. He just kept trying to break free from their hold, but with three against one it was near impossible. He let the tears fall as he was escorted back to the house, and glancing up at James and Adam, they were also crying. Bruce, looking at him and seeing just hurt, seeing that Bruce looked more hurt, that made him cry harder.

"I just wanted to drown, Bruce" Matt repeated, voice breaking on Bruces name.

**Author's Note:**

> I quite like how it turned out, actually!  
> ( ´∀｀)  
> I don't know if I'll continue this, or just leave it as is, but let me know, man. This is something I'm actually pretty proud of, lmao.  
> rt-trash-stash.tumblr.com shootmeamessageplease (*_*)


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